The following lovely little nugget is from Documentia, a tech writing firm in Ontario. #2, 6, 12, and 16 are my personal faves.
Klingon Technical Writers
The top 16 things likely to be overheard if you had Klingon technical writers working on your documentation team:
- Klingons do not sit in meetings, we take what we want and kill anyone who opposes us!
- Certification?! Taking your head and putting it on a pike in my office is all the certification I need!
- I will return to the homeworld and my documentation will arise triumphant in the STC Documentation Gauntlet, leaving all others drowning in their own dangling modifiers. It will be glorious!!
- Not returning my review copies by the agreed deadline is a declaration of war. Indeed, it is a good day to die.
- These software specifications are for the weak and timid!!
- This version of Word is a piece of GAGH! I need the latest version of Framemaker if I am to do battle with this manual.
- You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you’ve read it in the original Klingon.
- Indentation?! I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
- What is this talk of “drafts”? Klingons do not make document “drafts”. Our documents escape, leaving a bloody trail of SMEs in its wake!
- Passive voice is a sign of weakness. Its elimination will be quick.
- Proofreading? Klingons do not proofread. Our documents are purified with pain-sticks which cleanses the documents of impurities.
- I have challenged the entire Marketing and R&D team to a Bat-Leh contest! They will not concern us again.
- A TRUE Klingon warrior riddles his document with bullets, leaving it to beg for mercy.
- By changing the layout of my manual, you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
- You question the worthiness of my grammar? I should kill you where you stand!
- Our users will know fear and cower before our suite of manuals and online help! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
2 Responses to “Klingon technical writers”
Hmmm, regarding #6, Gagh is in fact a Klingon delicacy (think alive worms) so actually a positive thing.
You are quite correct, now that you mention it. I’ll have to ping the folks at Documentia and chide them for being less geeky than they oughta be! 😀
How is the family doing?